A couple weeks before Christmas, my side of the family blew apart.
Without going into details, the fact is the whole family dynamic shifted. The drama was a long time in coming, but unexpected in it’s method of arrival, and certainly didn’t end in a satisfying way for much of the family. Really, when do these things ever?
Once the immediate fallout cleared, I was still reeling, bouncing back and forth between confusion, deep anger, sadness, numbness. Normal stuff. But it also capped a half year of lows and I was sick to death of it all.
Then goal-oriented New Years’ rolled around.
Not surprising, it served as a catalyst. Life does have a way of jerking us back to focus on what’s important, doesn’t it? Suddenly, ferreting out who left cracker crumbs all over the living room furniture and making them pay wasn’t so imperative.
I thought about the progress I’ve made over the last few years breaking myself out of bad patterns of thought and behavior — and felt pretty good.
However, before the family crisis, I had generally felt stagnant, bored, worried. At the time, I blamed it on burn-out from revising my novel, stress, the dismal state of the country and it’s finances. There’s always something. But after D-Day I didn’t think it was only that.
Maybe I needed some big honkin’ goals.
For a long time, I shied away from making serious goals and plans. It seemed silly to make 5yr, 10yr, 20yr goals when all it takes is a pink slip or a catastophic illness or an asshole in the family to drop everything out from under you. Besides, “it’s all about the journey.” Right?
Yes and no. Or, rather, it takes a little bit of both. At least for me. Yes, I know my Libra roots are showing (I can’t get away from those damn balance scales!).
I find it very easy to slip into reacting to life around me, rather than actively living it. Maybe I plateaued, like in exercise. I came a long way, but need to go further to feel the benefit.
I thought about it, and, with some help from Jennifer at Inkybites, finally admitted to some pretty big goals brewing in the back of my mind for some time. Bigger than anything I let myself dream of before. Scary big. Energizing.
But if I jump too fast or too deep…well…There Be Madness. For me, that is. I envy people who can just dive right into things and make a success of them. But I don’t operate that way.
I need to start with little cat feet. (Baby steps have become so cliche, don’t you think?)
Small goals over time will add up to my big stuff in the end. Some of these I plan to share in future posts.
And if the big stuff changes over time, so be it. It’s not written in stone. It’s a work in progress. Like me.
But I plan to aim high.
Honestly, it’s taken two weeks, three different starts, and lots of editing to get this one banged out, so feel free to discuss whatever strikes your fancy. Have a nice day 🙂
image courtesy of Cavin at Flickr